Miserable in Nice.

We arrive in Nice feeling queasy after being on a very stuffy TGV for 7 hours. I could not have predicted the series of undesirable trivial circumstances that was to follow that evening and the morning after. My disposition had unfolded from excitement of leaving the farm, to humdrum of the train ride, to progressive crabbiness from ‘things not going to plan.’

-Cannot find pre-booked hostel.

-Girl at Quick (fast food outlet) innocently mixes up my order.

-Internet to find directions and reservations doesn’t work.

-Unwanted credit card process of 58 Euros at alternative La Petit Hotel.

-Step in dog shit (Really!).

-We miss our train to Rome because of incorrect information.

All this while judging Amber’s idiosyncratic behavior as not being helpful in our plight.

When we eventually check in, and Amber suggested going for a walk around town to her very unpleasant husband. I walked grudgingly, sullenly wandering into a couple of shops with Amber - whose noticeable lack of apathy only served to exacerbate my misery. There were a couple of incidences where I observed how I was feeling, and attempted to ‘snap out of it.’ Nice is a beautiful city, and I didn’t want to ruin our last night in France by being a grouch. Rationality and logic didn’t work and I succumbed farther into my despair.

When we got to Ventimiglia, our first leg of the 10 hour journey to Rome, Amber had had enough of my bullshit and broke. Visibly upset she asked to leave for a bit to compose herself/take a break from me. Having her gone gave me the chance to reflect on what just had transpired. I noticed that this was a recurring behavioral pattern in my life. It was easy for me to blame Amber for her seemingly obvious contribution to our predicament, but it was undeniable that I found myself once again in this all too familiar situation that was not confined to my sole relationship with Amber (my previous girlfriends would no doubt unhesitatingly attest). I was the common denominator, and in the moment I knew that I was responsible for all of it.

I tried to figure out all the reasons I could possibly have for wanting someone to ‘break down.’ Is it the gratification for being "in control" of her emotions? Was I intentionally making her feel bad, so I could feel good by consoling her when she had had it?

I had an extraordinary heart to heart with Amber a little later on aboard the train to Rome. I wanted to break this cycle, but was at a loss as to how to do it. Amber was also entitled to a big apology. I shared my insights and enjoyed the solution that emerged from our unimpeded dialogue. We agreed that she would be more assertive in our relationship (incredulously, her being unassertive in certain situations supposedly peeved me), and that I could be free in expressing (voicing) my feelings whenever I’m annoyed and irritated with her, rather than internalizing it. I was surprised with myself that I needed permission to do this!

In the affirmative ambience that lingered after our successful endorsement of each other, I remembered Alan’s (Tantra) intuitive contribution to us as a couple: “Amber is the key to you, and you are the key for Amber. Use this time to learn from each other.”