Snowdon and I

I have started noticing a very subtle and peculiar phenomenon. Snowdon, as people know him, is not the same as  'I'. 'I' am also familiar with this identity named 'Snowdon'. However, there exists a distressing gap between who 'I' am, and how 'I' is expressed in reality. Of course, 'Snowdon' will carry out the intention of what 'I' wanted to do or say, but he will do it his own way, with his own shade of meaning, and often this shade of meaning completely changes what 'I' wanted to do or say.

We ended the abhyanga massage workshop with giving each other Shirodhara. This is when warm oil is continuously poured over your third eye/forehead for about 30 minutes. I found it more blissful than I had previously imagined, and I took my time revelling in the moment with no hurry to get off the table. By this time most of us had adjourned to the courtyard for tea, and a remaining classmate checks to see how I'm doing. Engaging Natalie,  'Snowdon' takes over and describes the blissful experience he's had in the last half-hour. 'I', now a very weak and distant presence, feels helpless and disgusted to listen to the trivial verbiage that flow out of 'Snowdon's' mouth. 
 
My work of self-observation has evolved(?) into the observation of 'Snowdon'. 'Snowdon' is the mask 'I' wear. The part 'I' unconsciously play and unfortunately can't stop playing. It rules me and makes me say thousands of stupid things, thousands of things which 'I' would never say.