Final days in Goa.

This morning Bayshan came in early to prepare me a big breakfast. Scrambled eggs on toast, a small variety of local bread, coffee, juice, a bowl of freshly cut papaya and a local delicacy specially requested from Atul, the landlord. A couple of days back we went out for a leisurely bicycle ride around Siolim and ended our trek at a local coffee shop by the river where we had this particular dessert made out of ghee and milk. Fantastic!

I've got 5 days and 4 nights left in Goa and I'm staying in a quaint hut by the beach not 2 minutes from Raso Vai. Very much simpler alternative in accommodation but now i will have the beach to run in the morning. My original plan of cardio training for the Urbanatholon in February is thwarted by a lack of access to any running tracks whatsoever. The roads are too narrow, noisy and chaotic. I had done a couple of weights sessions at the local gym with Ritesh and Pascal when I first arrived, but It didn't take me long to grow tired of tackling the language barrier with guys who were not accustomed to more complex movements like the deadlift and clean and jerk. I did not want to do another workout consisting of bench presses and bicep curls (i had not once seen anybody in that gym do a lower body exercise). Was certainly a worthwhile experience however, and the familiar observation of testosterone-fuelled swagger and excessive mirror gazing left me feeling right at home.

17 days of repetitive massage sequences is taking its toll. There are so many to remember, and it is not easy to stay present during 1.5 to 2 hour massage. There are 8 in this class and practicing with a different body everyday is proving to be invaluable but challenging. I've booked myself with a session with Urja herself which I think will end my 'formal education' quite nicely. I have already grown to love this practice even though right now I could spew if I had to give another massage.

Kundalini meditation.

Since landing in India, I've never been able to recall in an instant what day it is, and in mid-cognition trying to figure it out i catch myself, bringing me back into the present. I don't need to know what day it is, and in a moment of clarity, glimpse how momentary this life would be outside of the illusion of time. 

Urja suggested we start half-an-hour early today to do Kundalini meditation. I've never done it before, and was keen to find out. With accompanying music, we started with 15 minutes of shaking - to awaken our energies from the "sex centre." I found this rather amusing as i began to shake up and down imagining where exactly my "sex centre" was.

Shaking shaking shaking, I find myself instinctively opening my eyelids to see how everybody is shaking: "Hmm she's swaying so much it looks like she's dancing. Isn't dancing not until the next phase of the meditation?" I catch myself thinking, and take a deep breathe, bringing my full attention to the sensation of my rib cage expanding, contracting.

Shaking shaking shaking. "I must look like such a dork." Catch myself again. There is just this body moving vigorously almost seemingly without my effort.

Shaking shaking shaking. "How the heck am I going to dance for the next 15 minutes??" 

The music metamorphosises into a more fluid tempo and I feel my body effortlessly soften to reiterate the melody. For moments I am fully present to all the intricately movements that this body is providing me with. No judgements, no thoughts, no mind.  Then, "Wow this is pretty amazi... Goddamnit!!"

The rest of the "dance phase" I find myself shifting back and forth between "mind" and "no mind." I would get lost in thought for up to a minute or more, catching myself, effectively bringing me back to the present moment, or "no mind." Surprisingly, I find my face familiarly contorting and my eyes begin to well up. All the switching from "mind" to "no mind" had given me a real taste of freedom from this mind. In a moment of insight I saw how my mind restricts me into a small and predictable way of being. In "no mind" I was absolutely free to be any way I wanted. The body would move despite "myself", and all that was in my experience was the beautiful and mysterious sensations that went along with it. A minute change in the melody and then the body would flow spontaneously, naturally into another sort of rhythm that effortlessly mimicked the music. There was no effort on my part, only a transcendental experience of the movement of this body in a variety of ways that "Myself" would never have experienced.

Phase 3 of the meditation is "sitting." the type I am most accustomed. The body has expended its "excess energy" and it is easier for the mind to be silent. 

Phase 4, the music stops and we lay sprawled on the floor around the room to "come out" of the meditation.

Snowdon and I

I have started noticing a very subtle and peculiar phenomenon. Snowdon, as people know him, is not the same as  'I'. 'I' am also familiar with this identity named 'Snowdon'. However, there exists a distressing gap between who 'I' am, and how 'I' is expressed in reality. Of course, 'Snowdon' will carry out the intention of what 'I' wanted to do or say, but he will do it his own way, with his own shade of meaning, and often this shade of meaning completely changes what 'I' wanted to do or say.

We ended the abhyanga massage workshop with giving each other Shirodhara. This is when warm oil is continuously poured over your third eye/forehead for about 30 minutes. I found it more blissful than I had previously imagined, and I took my time revelling in the moment with no hurry to get off the table. By this time most of us had adjourned to the courtyard for tea, and a remaining classmate checks to see how I'm doing. Engaging Natalie,  'Snowdon' takes over and describes the blissful experience he's had in the last half-hour. 'I', now a very weak and distant presence, feels helpless and disgusted to listen to the trivial verbiage that flow out of 'Snowdon's' mouth. 
 
My work of self-observation has evolved(?) into the observation of 'Snowdon'. 'Snowdon' is the mask 'I' wear. The part 'I' unconsciously play and unfortunately can't stop playing. It rules me and makes me say thousands of stupid things, thousands of things which 'I' would never say.