Less Ego, More Dharma.

We are early when we arrive in Florence and check into our pre-booked private room at the International Student Hostel, so we leave our luggage with Guiseppe (owner of the establishment) and walk 5 minutes to the restaurant that he recommends. We order a typical Italian 3-course meal and impulsively, enthusiastically talk about what each other had experienced (and still experiencing) in our recent 10-day inner journey.

One topic of particular interest that arose was that of my inspiration to write to share about my “transformation,” not only of the processes during these last several days, but ever since becoming conscious of my deep-seated feelings of discontentment – that something is wrong. A burgeoning inkling that “Surely life has got to be better than this,” that only swelled the older I got. Starting with a brief account of my life’s spiritual journey, here is an attempt:

My breakthrough on the third day of the Landmark Forum (2005?) was the pivotal turning point of my life. In an instance, something shifted. And I felt I was seeing through new eyes. I vividly remember feeling sensations of calm frenzy as I sat in my chair wide eyed, open mouthed, with the 100 or so other fortuitous participants on the course. Whatever this was, I wanted more! So over the next couple of years, I unflinchingly registered for the Advanced Course, the Communication Courses, and the Introduction Leaders Program. Being inherently shy, I found these programs extremely confronting thus ultimately valuable. But the experience of enlightenment I had felt in the Forum continued to elude me, and after struggling painfully for 3 months (out of 6) in the ILP, I gave up. Dejected and worn out, I went on to live my life with whatever acquired practical ideology I had learned from Landmark Education, to which I am very grateful. My life had changed dramatically. From an unsuccessful part-time architectural undergraduate and full-time pot head, I set out, probably not fully aware of my intentions at this point, to create a better life. I transferred credits and easily completed a degree in psychology in 3 semesters. I figured I could find out the cause of my misery if I studied the brain and human behavior, MY behavior. Upon graduation I felt as lost than I was when I started out registering for psychology 100 papers a year and a half ago. After a little deliberation it was easy to decide that my liberation was not in academia and I was to search elsewhere. I decided to have fun and after subsequently completing professional training requirements, I found tremendous delight and satisfaction as a personal trainer. Nonetheless, these feelings of elation slowly and gradually subsided. The feeling of “Surely life has got to be better than this,” still loomed and proliferated in the background.

I turned increasingly to guidance in books, from reading painfully embarrassing self-help paperbacks to seeking wisdom in the great saints and sages of eastern and western religious literature. The latter continues to be a tremendous source of interest and inspiration for me.

During my training as a fitness trainer, a classmate had noticed my interest in eastern religions and one day serendipitously made known to me a particular type of meditation called vipassana, and of the meditation center north of Auckland that accepted curious students free of charge provided that we undertake certain conditions required to learning this particular style meditation. Among these are:

1. -       The resolution to stay the entire length of the course – 10 days.
2. -       To undertake sila (morality). This consists of 5 precepts: Abstaining from lying, stealing, killing, sexual misconduct, and taking any form of intoxicants.
3. -       Undertake noble silence throughout the duration of the course.

-        I complete my first 10-day course the week before I started personal training, and the experience was profound. I had for the first time in my life tasted unimaginable spiritual awakening. Akin to that third pivotal day in the Forum, I stood under the open sky at twilight gazing up at the full moon in indescribable awe and reverence for existence. From extraordinary instances throughout these 10 days of observing my inner reality, there was no doubt in my mind that this was the answer to my hankering deep-rooted question of “There’s got to be more to life than this!”

I had found God.

I am very much aware that I am now confronted with the intricate challenge of answering the question “But what difference does it make?” And I am under no illusion that I will be able to achieve this in a single blog. However, I am elated that I finally have this blog (and my life!) as an avenue to share the biggest secret hidden from humankind.

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”                  ~Mahatma Gandhi

BUONGIORNO Roma!

What a beautiful time I'm having in Rome! It's day 4 of 6 and we're seeing the Vatican today. Here's a run down of our itinerary planned in this splendid city:

Saturday

Shopping Triangle

Piazza Del Popolo

Trevi Fountain

Pantheon

Sunday

Porta Portese Morning Flea Market

Colosseum

Roman Forum

Monday

Vatican

St. Peter's Basilica

Altar of Peace

Spanish Steps

Public pool

Tuesday

Castel Sant Angelo

Wednesday

Train to Bologna.

Compared to the other cities we've been in Europe, Rome is pretty affordable. I found this luxurious apartment on the edges of the city (20 minute train ride into town) which I highly recommend if you come to Rome. Els, the landlord, has been wonderfully hospitable since we've arrived, doing our dirty laundry and even hanging it up to dry for us! Beats a hotel room any day.

I'm so excited! We found a library at the Colosseum yesterday and bought two new books: Marcus Aurelius' Meditations and Homer's The Odyssey. These will be our books during our week on Andrea's farm in Livorno after our vipassana retreat.

It's great to have another perspective about the nature of moral value, human rationality and divine providence from an individual who was also passionate about understanding himself and the universe. This is reinforced by the fact that he was also Roman Emperor! Ancient Roman lifestyle was barbaric to me and I suspect Marcus had a lot to do with shifting the consciousness of his people that lead to the decline of the Roman Empire.

I am looking forward to learning more at the Vatican today! Yesterday we stumbled upon a smallish tour group in the Roman Forum being led by a sensational and passionate American guide. Amber and I like him very much and have decided to do his Vatican tour this afternoon at 25 Euros apiece. Money I am more than happy to apart with. I am thoroughly looking forward to it!

 

Miserable in Nice.

We arrive in Nice feeling queasy after being on a very stuffy TGV for 7 hours. I could not have predicted the series of undesirable trivial circumstances that was to follow that evening and the morning after. My disposition had unfolded from excitement of leaving the farm, to humdrum of the train ride, to progressive crabbiness from ‘things not going to plan.’

-Cannot find pre-booked hostel.

-Girl at Quick (fast food outlet) innocently mixes up my order.

-Internet to find directions and reservations doesn’t work.

-Unwanted credit card process of 58 Euros at alternative La Petit Hotel.

-Step in dog shit (Really!).

-We miss our train to Rome because of incorrect information.

All this while judging Amber’s idiosyncratic behavior as not being helpful in our plight.

When we eventually check in, and Amber suggested going for a walk around town to her very unpleasant husband. I walked grudgingly, sullenly wandering into a couple of shops with Amber - whose noticeable lack of apathy only served to exacerbate my misery. There were a couple of incidences where I observed how I was feeling, and attempted to ‘snap out of it.’ Nice is a beautiful city, and I didn’t want to ruin our last night in France by being a grouch. Rationality and logic didn’t work and I succumbed farther into my despair.

When we got to Ventimiglia, our first leg of the 10 hour journey to Rome, Amber had had enough of my bullshit and broke. Visibly upset she asked to leave for a bit to compose herself/take a break from me. Having her gone gave me the chance to reflect on what just had transpired. I noticed that this was a recurring behavioral pattern in my life. It was easy for me to blame Amber for her seemingly obvious contribution to our predicament, but it was undeniable that I found myself once again in this all too familiar situation that was not confined to my sole relationship with Amber (my previous girlfriends would no doubt unhesitatingly attest). I was the common denominator, and in the moment I knew that I was responsible for all of it.

I tried to figure out all the reasons I could possibly have for wanting someone to ‘break down.’ Is it the gratification for being "in control" of her emotions? Was I intentionally making her feel bad, so I could feel good by consoling her when she had had it?

I had an extraordinary heart to heart with Amber a little later on aboard the train to Rome. I wanted to break this cycle, but was at a loss as to how to do it. Amber was also entitled to a big apology. I shared my insights and enjoyed the solution that emerged from our unimpeded dialogue. We agreed that she would be more assertive in our relationship (incredulously, her being unassertive in certain situations supposedly peeved me), and that I could be free in expressing (voicing) my feelings whenever I’m annoyed and irritated with her, rather than internalizing it. I was surprised with myself that I needed permission to do this!

In the affirmative ambience that lingered after our successful endorsement of each other, I remembered Alan’s (Tantra) intuitive contribution to us as a couple: “Amber is the key to you, and you are the key for Amber. Use this time to learn from each other.”

Day 7 of 10: Ted and Cyril's farm - Condom, France.

Two more days and three more nights left on the farm. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to leaving and moving on to more exciting pursuits around Europe. I would also be lying if I told you I wasn’t enjoying myself here. Just now as Amber and I were taking the laundry down from the line, I caught myself imagining myself in another place I would rather be (Rome next week), and in an instant was mindfully drawn back into the present moment, with all its vivid, exuberant colors, collecting the laundry, with Amber.

Since we’ve been here, I’ve been afflicted by allergy. On the bright side I think I have become somewhat conditioned to its effects and the past few days hasn’t been as bad as the first couple of days. Even now as I write this I am intermittently sneezing, my eyes and throat are itchy and I am overall feeling pretty lousy. Peculiarly, however, I am not experiencing any joylessness or sadness. In fact, I’ve never felt better! Besides finding myself looking forward to what else my travels will bring me, I have never felt myself quite as content as I am now here on working on Ted’s farm.

Working on an organic farm:

In exchange for meals and accommodation, we agree to work on the farm for 4.5 hours a day except Sunday. We begin at 7:30am by sweeping up goat manure by the shed and turning the cheese in the shop. This is followed by breakfast. Then Cyril has a different job for us every day in maintaining the farm. To date we’ve collected firewood, mulched and weeded the vegetable garden (mum would be so proud), cleaned the electric fence and trimmed the hedges. We’re done by lunchtime and usually stop working when the allocated job is done and not when 4.5 hours are up. Ted and Cyril are easy to be with and let us do things at our own pace most of the time. Their English is reasonably good and we have not much trouble communicating. We have all our meals together and in the process have gotten to know each other quite well. Even though I am well aware of our differences, I like them very much. They also have a 29 year-old son who works in a tennis club nearby and comes over for lunch every day. Paul is very undemanding and pleasant to be around. At 21 he had a bad accident during a rugby game that caused him temporary paralysis on the right side of his body. It landed him in a coma for several days and lost his friends and girlfriend over this incident. He (and us too) couldn’t quite figure out why his friends had rejected him after this incident and recounted how painful this was for him. He’s doing much better now though, and I would not have guessed all this from his present-day agreeable nature. Ted and Cyril also have a 23 year-old daughter working in Brussels. On the farm there are 35 goats, 4 cats, 6 chickens, a bunch of sheep and 2 dogs – Pau? and Chana? These are in question marks because they are French names and I know I’ve mis-spelled them. Chana is an engaging  and personable sheepdog who loves to play catch. I will try to upload a video of her on Blogger.

Book:

I am enjoying reading Spiritual Liberation by Michael Bernard Beckwith, even though I do feel it might be a little bit more edifying for a rookie “spiritual seeker.” I do find myself highly resonating with Michael however and reading his book is allowing me to acquaint with his essence in a much more personal way. This will be my fourteenth book I’ve read this year and don’t have another on hand lined up. I’d love to get my hands on War and Peace, by Leo Tolstoy. I hope I find it in Rome this weekend.

WOOHOO! Rome this weekend!

Day 2 of 10: Ted and Cyril's farm - Condom, France.

The many synchronistic events that have led up to me reading this book, what I’m doing in the world, and the readiness of my mind to absorb this message is astounding to me. I have asked, and the universe has provided, is providing, and now more than ever, faithful that the ‘gods’ will continue to provide.

The central message that was conveyed in Ishmael, is elaborated here in The Story of B. Somewhere in the passage of reading this book, I recalled the words of an scientist/metaphysician in ‘What the Bleep.’ -“The more I learn about quantum mechanics and its significance in the world, and more I feel we are living in a wrong paradigm.” I never fully understood what she meant when she said this, and now after reading this book, I have a better idea.

We are living in the wrong paradigm: Our world before ‘The Great Forgetting’ consisted of multitudinous cultures, and over time, one has propagated and presided – OUR culture. Totalitarian agriculture has spread throughout the world, bolstered by the belief that “ours is the right way” and the Great Forgetting has led to our world being over-populated (and continues to do so at an alarming rate!) and all sorts of other ailments such as war, poverty and crime as a result. It tackles squarely the question of how we are living, why we are doing what we’re doing, why it’s not working, and how we can change. Humanity had been living harmoniously with the planet since the first humans. Then, from 8000BC, one culture ‘eats from the tree of wisdom’ and decides, using totalitarian agriculture as a method, what lives or dies. This ‘new’ lifestyle and mindset had made us out to be wise as gods and made the world to be a piece of human property. Our egocentricity has made us believe that God has made man to conquer and rule the world, and that’s what we’re doing - subjugating other ways of living to OUR way of living, destroying the world in the process.

What I love about this book is that it is riddled with scripture from the bible, making the words of Jesus come alive and practical to my sensibilities. Having put down this book, I find myself living synchronously – on an organic farm, accepting people, living simply, re-learning to live self-sustainingly and naturally with the planet.

I set out on this 1-year odyssey with Amber intending to learn and discover the ‘best way to live.’ I might not quite have related these feelings to Amber in quite the same words and I suspect she might respond to you, if you asked her, that we’re on our spiritual adventure/travel/honeymoon – which I also completely harmonize with. What I have learned and discovered most invaluable so far, is not being in Times Square, the Eiffel Tower, or the Matterhorn (which we passed up to be with Sonya in Verbier, by the way) – but by living and being with people.